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Why Can't I Just Be Happy?


My mood is not good today. I am being brutally honest with you.


I am here alone up in my bedroom aka my home office.


My son is at school and my husband is working in the basement.


I am very lonely to be truthful.


Quarantine is still a thing around here,


I really miss people.


I was never really a people person, I always preferred to stay hidden.


I never wanted to have attention drawn to me.


I always thought I was not enough because of my larger body.


But,


I thought I was over the quest to feel "good enough".


I used to hide behind my weight and always say " I am not enough, because I am not thin and people do not like me and I don't fit in."


I thought I was at the point in my life that I was happy with who I was; bigger body and all.


But, I am finding I am still looking for validation outside of myself.


For example, every night before I go to bed, I check how many email subscribers I have and if anyone has bought my latest workbook.


I am looking for validation of my business working, but I now realize it is more.


I am looking to be liked and accepted.


This has been a struggle for me since I was a kid.


I guess I am still struggling with this.


When does it end?


When I become successful in my business?


Nope, now that I am thinking about it, probably not.


I will always be looking for outside validation.


When I reach so much income and so many email subscribers, I guess it will never be enough.


I will always be striving for the ultimate validation.


Who is this validation going to be coming from?


Guess what Kim, it is not going to be coming from outside of yourself buttercup.


Sorry, I am talking in the second person.


But, I feel this blog is therapy for me.


It is like thinking through my feelings as I am writing them.


I guess you could also call this journaling, but in a more public way.


Deep down inside I want to be happy with who I have become and what I have achieved in my life.


So, what is prevented this acceptance?


I guess it goes back to my childhood.


Always looking for validation and to be loved.


I did have love, but there were 4 of us kids, and there was only so much my mom could give each and every one of us.


She had it hard raising us kids, while my dad worked 3 jobs to support us.


Well guess what Kim, you are a big girl now!


It is time to realize that I am enough right now.


I cannot relive my childhood, no one can.


I need to cut the crap and step into my own big girl pants and my own power.