That is the first words that came out of my mouth when I came upon this picture in my phone this morning as I was lying on the Chiropractor’s table.
My son had taken this picture/video last night of me, I was totally unaware he was taking it.
My eyes were drawn first to my rolls of fat on my belly, “Oh My God!” I said as I was feeling shocked, at how awful I thought I looked.
The next thing in this picture that drew my attention were my saggy boobs, “yikes!” came out of my mouth
My next train of thought rushed into my brain: “I look so big and I have gained so much weight, my God Kim.”
Quickly (as my brain, and probably yours too has been trained to go so naturally over the years), the solution came into my head; I have to lose weight!!!
I was really shaken to my core after seeing this picture this morning, I have to admit and I was so full of conflicting emotions.
“I need to lose weight, but at what cost Kim?”
The next thought that came into my brain was how dieting and trying to shrink my body got me to this weight in the first place.
I have dieted my way up on the scale.
The sure-fire way to gain weight is to go on a diet, who knew right?
My thinking quickly turned around from going on a diet to I am fine just as I am, as you will see next.
Well, I thought of my belly rolls in that picture and realized that everyone has fat rolls and my posture was so bad in that picture.
My boobs sagging is from a poorly fitting bra, but it is so comfortable. (Thanks, mom for the large chest)
My weight has really not changed drastically recently, so this just was a bad picture at a bad time.
At first, I just looked at this picture and immediately just criticized my body as a knee jerk reaction.
I think it must be shrunk to be accepted and pretty (anyone else have this belief?)
Over the past couple of years, I have made progress for sure.
I now know the harm dieting and trying to shrink my body has caused me.
I know if I go down that rabbit hole again, that it will be no good;
My binging will return, my depression will increase, my relationship with food will become disordered again and my self- worth will be dependent on me being thin.
That thought came into my head quicker than it had before when I looked at a bad picture of myself; that dieting is not healthy for me or anyone.
I know that everyone has fat rolls and a lot of ladies have saggy boobs like me.
I know that I am healthy and strong and have the healthiest relationship I have ever had with my body and with food, thank you Intuitive Eating.
I know weight loss is not a cure for my inner insecurities or perceived weaknesses.
I know that I do not need to hide behind my weight anymore.
My higher weight was an excuse for avoiding social situations, not making friends, avoiding setting lofty goals, not living a happy life and not trying hard things.
My life changed 3 years ago, even before discovering Intuitive Eating.
I had a person that actually challenged me and made me realize what I really wanted in my life.
This person actually believed I could do hard things, which I always avoided.
This person gave me the confidence and ignited an inner fire within me I never knew I had.
I had this amazing flame (personal strength, beauty, and confidence) inside of me all along.
This fire to make my life better and happier; was always there.
But it took someone to remind me that I can challenge myself and succeed and be happy in my larger body.
I am almost in tears as I write this.
I have wasted 36 years of my 48 years at war with myself and my body.
I will never be a stick thin model with perky boobs.
I am ok with that. I was never meant to be slender; I know that.
But I know that I deserved better in my life. I did not know enough back then, when I first started dieting.
When I started hating my body and trying to change it, I wish I had someone telling me that I did not need to shrink my body.
Every body is unique and beautiful in it ‘s own way.
I have fat and big boobs and cellulite, and it’s ok.
Sometimes, you just have to throw on a pair of Spanks on it and call it a day, I say.
We are more than our bodies.
Beauty is not defined by how we look in the mirror or how we good we look in clothes.
Beauty is the inner knowing and strength to bypass the societal standards of beauty.
When we remember who we are and what we are capable of doing, that really has nothing to do with what we see in the mirror.
Remember, YOU ARE ENOUGH!!!