Updated: Sep 27, 2020
I have been struggling tonight. I have been struggling for 35 years. Every day the number on the scale is sitting on my shoulder. It has been a struggle for the past 4 months especially; the scale has not moved. I work my ass off working out almost every damn day. I watch what I eat, always snacking on veggies, and watching my portions. I try to keep a positive outlook, but tonight is so freakin hard for me to keep my head up. Why won’t the scale move? Is it my lack of a thyroid? Is it menopause? Am I eating the wrong things? Am I doing the wrong exercise? I want to be a health coach so bad. I want to help women lose weight and be happier. But, I can’t even lose weight myself so how will I be able to help others? Nobody wants a fat health coach!!
It has taken me 16 months just to lose 20 pounds. So unbelievably slow, ugh!!!! I am surrounded by pics and success stories of women losing a ton of weight in a short amount of time. It is so frustrating!! I just don’t understand. Is it a mental block holding me back? I have no freakin idea. I am trying so hard to not just give up and say “forget it, I might as well just eat whatever the hell I want because I’m not losing weight anyways”.
But, there is something preventing me from throwing in the towel tonight. I will remind myself of my victories over the past 16 months. Looking in my closet tonight, going through my clothes; I see all XL’s. No plus-sized clothes to speak of. It has been years since I could fit into regular sized clothes. My arms are more toned than they ever have been. I have helped women with their motivation to lose weight and have a more positive mindset ( that is what I plan on doing in my health coaching business). I have shrunk my stomach so I am satisfied with less food. I have not turned to food for comfort for a while. When I look in the mirror with my clothes on I like what I see. I just want these last 45 lbs to be gone; like yesterday, please !! But, I did not gain all my extra weight in 16 months. When I was 16 I did gain about 100 lbs over a period of a few years. I am now 65 lbs lighter than my highest weight. So I guess that is quite an accomplishment huh? It seems it is never enough though; I will never be thin enough, pretty enough, wealthy enough, and happy enough. But what am I striving for? To be a 20-year-old girl again? To be 120 lbs? To be rich? To be happy every minute of every day?
Kim, those expectations are not reality. I have gone through so much in my 46 years. From being so depressed and anxious that I was unable to work. As a teen thinking about ending all my pain permanently. I quit high school due to my overwhelming anxiety and the fear of being judged. I was 265 lbs and not sure where my life was going. I kept myself isolated in my room throughout my teens and 20’s. I never dated thinking no one would want to date me and somebody my size.
I need to look at how far I have come before I make the drastic decision to give up on myself. My life is so much better since I have started to take care of myself and learned to love and forgive myself. I need to be happy at this moment. I have accomplished so much and have tried so hard to make my life better. I don’t want to give up. I have clients who will need my help in the future in losing weight and gaining self-confidence. I am not ready to give up tonight. I need to be there for myself and my business and most importantly my son.